Winders 7 Hell

I am in Winders 7 hell.  Normally I boot into Linux Ubuntu. It's sweet. Orange background comes up, Ubuntu logo comes up. Five dots appear and light sequentially. By the third dot, the OS is up and running and the happy little notification immediately pops up to inform me that I am connected to the BAR network. A click on Chrome for linux and I am up and running blog reading and blogging.
Winders 7 on the other hand loads Seaport (appropriate in one sense, this OS has the 2 mile turning radius of a super tanker), Mom.exe (really? Mom?What's mom doing? making sure I don't get hairy palms?) 50 other processes that probably have no relationship to what I'd actually like to do with my 'puter,  my virus protection, which of course needs an update that takes 15 minutes, finishes the 27 Windows live updates that downloaded last night when I shut the computer down, loads the HP assistant which I cannot for the life of me find out how to make it effing go away and never load on boot again.  So I close it in the middle of the boot process which seems to add another 3 minutes.  While I was typing this, the HP assistant popped up again to gleefully inform me that it needed to download a major update. Every time I've clicked the OK button on this, the wheely icon appears, HP assistant thinks about it for 4 or 5 minutes and then informs me there is a problem. So I X out of it,  Winders 7 dutifully informs me there was a problem with one of my apps, and would I like to report it to Microsoft? Clicking the send button usually results in a pibkac response; problem is between keyboard and chair. Politely informing that it is my fault.
Twenty minutes later I am up and running in Winders 7, surfing the net at a blindingly slow speed.
I"ve run on so long, I've forgotten why I booted up into tise POS OS. Be back shortly, time to restart and boot into Ubuntu.