Thursday, August 4, 2011

I am so disappointed

I trudged through security at Bush Intercontinental without being singled out as a religious and gun clinging terrorist. Boo! No opportunity to make a public spectacle of myself and post a million hit youtube video.
As I was gathering up my shoes, belt, laptop and briefcase, I was watching a woman and a man get the TSA "grope". The pat downs were more personal than I've seen before, but they were handled in what I would consider a professional manner. ( better than most cop pat down videos I've seen). Both the male and female pat downs took a long search up the inseam, but the palm never left the inside of the thigh. The female pat down proceeded to the bosom. This was done with the back of the hand, down the top side, then up the ribs to the underside. Four quick motions. The woman being searched was the exact profile of a terrorist..white, anglo saxon roughly 60 years of age, weighed perhaps 90 pounds in my estimation. Obviously a potentially dangerous individual. She was not a happy camper. I watched her walk away for 30 seconds or so, muttering to herself. I don't read lips well, but I'm pretty sure there were some expletives in her personal soliloquy.
Things went really well in Nashville the first day, and to top it off I had a really great burger and a few bottles of George Killian's Irish Red at Ted's Montana grill. The meeting the second day was deemed not necessary, so I caught an earlier flight and headed on home to the Hacienda de Campana.
I had a 6:05pm flight originally. After some voicemail tag with my travel agent, she rescheduled my flight.
At the Nashville airport, I make the death march through the security line. Strip the shoes, strip the belt, pull all the metally objects off my person and throw them into the briefcase. Que up the two bins and the briefcase to go through the x-ray. As I'm standing in line to go through the metal detector, the TSA "agent" motions the two folks in front of me, and myself to the side.
I'm thinking "Joy!", a TSA grope to blog about! I can see the page hits now!
Not so.
They sent me through the porno x-ray scanner thing where I had to lift my hands above my head so my man boobs would shape up nicely for the perv behind the tube on the other end.
Belle and I talked about this when she got home from work this evening. In the course of that conversation, I commented "I bet the stainless steel surgical clamps from my vasectomy lit up like sparklers in that x-ray!"
(It is one of the few gifts God gave to men. We can find something to boast about in almost any situation)
Surprise, Surprise! They directed the geriatric Asian man in front of me off to the side for the TSA grope. I stepped out of the laser wash x-ray machine to look into the weary eyes of a TSA man.
His eyes implored me; " Please...kill me, kill me now!" He was squared up in front of me, blocking my path. What he actually said to me was; "You're free to go"
Free. To. Go.
I didn't even realize I'd been arrested.
And this is where the rubber really meets the road. The federal government is prohibited from this type of random search and seizure, and yet here we are. This is the part that Americans should really be peeved about.

In the grand scheme of things, this post trails far behind current events. I spent 20 years on a plane every other week, and for some extended periods on a plane every week working both the left coast, and the other left coast. In the past two years, this is the first flight I've taken. This would be due to Bush Jr., the democrat controlled legislature and Obummer. (Oh, I forgot the Fed). I have more flight delay, canceled flight and wigged out cab ride scar tissue than you can imagine (well perhaps except for TheBigGuy and BorePatch). I am not a noob at this.
Now that I've mentioned the TSA in a blog post, I'll probably be on the FBI watch list. Oh wait, I bought the "Anarchist's Cook Book" back in the '70's, I'm already on that list...


  1. I know I come off paranoid, but, as a blogger, gun-owner, and mouth (similar to mine) I suspect you (and I) are already on lists. And Internet searches (although I've never looked for chloroform).
    Now to more important things: George Killian Lett's Irish Red is God's Nectar!
    I'm just sayin'...

  2. Boy, we've got some notes to compare...


  3. I would not worry about being on the list. My UPS guy both at home and work has made the comment on a year of so delivering "stuff" to the house that I am on some list! HAZMAT powder, small arms primers, you know that sorta stuff.

  4. Ah… the joy of air travel…

    First you arrive at the airport 2 hours early. You started the morning by getting dressed, packing your bags, making sure everything that you need for the trip is ready and you head off to the airport. You arrive, you glance quickly at the Security line (trying to judge how long it will take, and whether or not you have time for one or two cigarettes – yes I’m a smoker – before heading into the line) and you head off to the kiosk to print your ticket. Hmm, no more fancy envelopes to hold your stuff. You then walk over to the bag line, drop your bag off, they give you the ticket and it goes through X-Rays, then the tumble cycle, the rinse cycle, and just for the fun of it, let’s put it through the squeeze rolls a few times to make sure it is safe to load on the plane.

    You walk to security, and all the dressing part from the morning is reversed. I take off my shoes, my belt, my wallet, my keys, my glasses, my watch, get rid of the coins in my pockets, open the computer case, remove the computer, remove the external hard drives, remove the cell phone, remove my kindle (should start reading hard bound books again) place it all on the conveyer and watch it disappear into the mouth of the X-ray machine. No, wait, it comes out again. No, now it goes in again. Hmm, is it my stuff or the stuff in front of it, you wonder?

    Then you pat yourself down make sure you didn’t leave your; dang I left it in my pocket. You take your extra set of glasses (what I call my TRY focals – cause they try to focus my old eyes) and the lighter. You back up, you grab the small round container, fill it, and then put in on the conveyer and watch it do its two step dance.

    Then you pat yourself down one more time make one last check to make sure you’re ready to cross the Security Gauntlet and you make it. Wow, no buzzer. Cool.

    Now you start on the other side with the group that just went through in front of you, you grab your watch, put it on, store your glasses, load the computer, the external hard drive, the kindle, grab your shoes, put them on, put on your belt, put on your phone holster, put your coins in your pocket, put on your jacket (yes, I forgot to mention it up front) and you are now ready to grab your bag and head off to the waiting area.

    Yes KX, air travel is a joy; and I’m glad I’m safe from 60 year old blue haired old ladies that weigh less than my own left leg, that may or may not be wearing… well… depends. I’m happy to know everyone is given the super secure, unprofiled search that keeps us safe in the air.

    I think I’m just going to drive to China next time; cause over there, I think even if I stripped completely naked, the buzzer would go off.


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